And Life Goes on...

Sometimes I come to a place in my life and I think, how can life go on from here?  For example, when I graduated from college, I had no idea what i was going to do, but life still went on.  Then, I decided I wanted to go to Korea, that was exciting.  I learned from my friends, my co-workers, my students and even those I had short encounters with on the street.  I would think, my life is so great, how can I move on from this?  Then friends started to leave, first my co-teacher, then a close church friend, and then my Korean best friend.  That was the breaking point, I couldn't imagine that life could still go on from there.  Then, it was time for me to leave.  I had no idea what do do with my life, and yet again life went on.  So I decided that I would visit my family in Asia, it was good but I couldn't imagine living there, so I came back home.  Then, one morning, in early July, I hear the new that my Grandfather suddenly died.  His life had ended, but somehow our lives still go on.  Now, I'm just about to move out of my brother's house.  I can't imagine what is in store for me, but life goes on.

And so ends another segment of my life...

In about a month, I should be heading to China.  I'll be finished teaching here in Korea and who knows what will happen next...

I might stay in China with Mom and Dad or I might go back to the states.  Who knows what's gonna happen.

Lonliness

I was talking about this with my friends Lisa and Sungil.  I think that Sungil said something that is so true.  He said that, when we are in another country, we are away from everything familiar and normal to us.  This makes us long for companionship much more.  So this longing for companionship that my friends and I have been experiencing is quite normal, especially in another country.  We long to share what we are experiencing with another person.  We also long for something consistent and familiar to us (such a long term relationship).  I am happy that these feelings are normal.  Now I just need to figure out how I am going to deal with them.

I realize that my feelings for a certain man have come because he was there for me from almost the beginning of the time I have been here.  He was there for me when I was having a hard time.  He helped me in so many ways and was so kind to me.  For lack of a better word, he was my "savior" and defender.  In different ways, I saw this developing.  But I didn't want it to stop.  I thought I could separate myself from these feelings, but they have only grown deeper.  Now I am torn as to whether I should just remove myself from the situation or torture myself for a friendship that is dear to me.  

Why Am I Here?

Today is Father's Day...and I am feeling so far away from my family.  I chose to come and live in Korea.  Mom and Dad chose to go and live in China.  And my various brothers and sisters live in different places around the States.  But right now everyone is back in the States...everyone that is, but me.  I mean, they are all living their lives, busy as ever.  But most of them got to celebrate Mother's Day and now Father's Day together.

Sometimes I wonder why I am here.  I wonder if this is really where I'm supposed to be.  I think that maybe I should be somewhere closer to one family member or another.  But in reality, it think it is just because I want my family back together again.  I want us to live together, eat together, play together, pray together.  I want us to live in one house again.  To share our days and our nights.  But that isn't going to happen ever again.  We are all grown ups.  We each have our own lives and we are becoming independent entities.

Why am I so sad about this?  This is all part of life.  We all grow up, move out and create lives of our own.  I guess I just miss the closeness that we had.  I miss the love and continuity that a family has on a life.